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The second, equally unsatisfactory option is that you take the issue to your own journal. Then you can be accused, with some justification, of retreating to a space that is even more supportive to privileged people and rejecting of oppressed people than the general public world is. On top of that your journal is full of your friends who will automatically give you lots of benefit of the doubt and dismiss the concerns of those who argued with you. Not necessarily because they care more about privileged people than oppressed people, but because they care more about you personally than about random strangers.
Incidentally, this ties in some with what this has gotten me considering in terms of my own psychology around conflict, and how I handle it. One of the things I know about myself is that once I get myself into a defensive mindset - once I commit to something dumb - I have an extraordinarily hard time compromising, apologizing, changing my mind. If I say the sky is green at some point in my argument, I'm going to end up defending it to my last breath, feeling like an idiot the whole time. The best way I've found around that in my personal life (and I'm sure as shit far from perfect about it) is to STOP, and reframe as "us against the problem" instead of "you against me". If I have to win or lose, I'll fight to win, cut off my nose to spite my face, display every worst element of my own monumental stubbornness. If I can manage to reframe, the problem becomes the puzzle and we are in common purpose to solve it. (In interpersonal relationships, this means I do a lot of letter-writing)
A large part of sorting out issues in front of the people I care about and respect is that it encourages me to be my best self. It makes me feel more honor-bound to argue devil's advocate against myself if I see the need, and that process is often very helpful to me (and was here).
I think this is becoming a top-level post, so I think I'll move it there... Thank you for the thought-provoking.
This also ties in very closely with my approach to life and activism. I think it takes a lot of different personality styles and approaches to make the world go 'round. I think we need people who are much better at being confrontational than I am, who are much more in touch with their own anger. I'm not all that interested in making judgments on other people's choices in that regard, except in monumentally egregious cases. I am interested in finding the best way to make use of my particular psychology to the benefit of those issues I consider important. For me, that seems to be to function as much as possible as a bridge and an educator. To plant seeds rather than demand response. To explain my beliefs rather than requiring others to defend theirs to me. To try to meet people where they are, and as who they are, and find where we can connect, and try to expand understanding from there. To be honestly myself in ways that challenge people in little ways on a regular basis. To share information and perspectives people may not otherwise have been aware of. To be a safe space for others to ask questions and express themselves. I have reason to believe that this approach has generally served me well in my goals in the long run, and well as dovetailing with my nature as a social and multi-communal sort of person.
It doesn't mean I shouldn't get better at handling my own anger. I have an extraordinarily powerful physiological response to it; the people who have been in interpersonal fights with me know the sight of me flaming-faced, shaking, tearing up, storming about. I dislike and distrust the feel of that adrenaline surge controlling me, and I generally have to burn it off before I can get anywhere productive again. Anxiety or anger seem to be my emotional responses to conflict (except in cases of people fundamentally hostile to me, like the antis at the clinics -- in those cases, winning is not letting the bullying elicit a reaction beyond laughter, and I'm damned good at that), and while I don't like either, I'll take anxiety over anger most days; it clouds my judgment less, and pulls me toward thinking before acting instead of vice versa. The good thing about the anxiety is that it does give me a good deal of impetus to try to resolve the issue at hand, at least to my own satisfaction inside my own head. I can't get my heartrate back down until I do. In the two days of this particular explosion, it probably hasn't been fully off my mind for more than 15 minutes or so at a time, my stomach's been in knots, and my heart has been racing (insomnia ahoy). That is emphatically not a request for sympathy or a "poor me", I'm simply talking about physiological responses, and ones with which I'm well-familiar. It's informed by what I've learned about interacting with my own physiology in regards to the bipolar and the fibromyalgia, definitely. It's a particular way of thinking about myself and my states of mind and body as objectively as I can.
Oh, one other point worth talking about -- finding the balance between one of my strengths being my openness and willingness to talk about things, and one of my weaknesses being my tendency to go off on tangents, ramble, and take over conversations. It's a work in progress, to say the least. It's part of what I find valuable about having a journal -- a place that by definition is my space to ramble to my heart's content, that isn't encroaching on anyone else's space unless they choose. It's a good release valve so I'm less likely to do so in less appropriate circumstances (obviously doesn't always work!)
Well, I've rambled more than enough. It's my weekend, and I'm currently ignoring a particularly entertaining Tom Baker Doctor Who, and have to get ready for patient-instructing in a few hours. It's still abyssmally hot here, and we've got an extra dog next door temporarily (very sweet story) that's adding a good deal of chaos to our mutual yards and dog dynamics. Casey's coming over tonight, and I'm really looking forward to her feminist sociologist's perspective on all this, in between screaming at So You Think You Can Dance and getting fucked up. I still have some other thoughts about my long-term approaches to politics that I want to move to top-level posts, but I may wait a day or two to do that, and I may be slow at replying to comments here as well, since I don't normally spend much time online when I'm at home.
Edit to add: One final note that popped to mind; being over-reactive to being misunderstood. I know I've written about that before, so this is just a mental note to myself.
Incidentally, this ties in some with what this has gotten me considering in terms of my own psychology around conflict, and how I handle it. One of the things I know about myself is that once I get myself into a defensive mindset - once I commit to something dumb - I have an extraordinarily hard time compromising, apologizing, changing my mind. If I say the sky is green at some point in my argument, I'm going to end up defending it to my last breath, feeling like an idiot the whole time. The best way I've found around that in my personal life (and I'm sure as shit far from perfect about it) is to STOP, and reframe as "us against the problem" instead of "you against me". If I have to win or lose, I'll fight to win, cut off my nose to spite my face, display every worst element of my own monumental stubbornness. If I can manage to reframe, the problem becomes the puzzle and we are in common purpose to solve it. (In interpersonal relationships, this means I do a lot of letter-writing)
A large part of sorting out issues in front of the people I care about and respect is that it encourages me to be my best self. It makes me feel more honor-bound to argue devil's advocate against myself if I see the need, and that process is often very helpful to me (and was here).
I think this is becoming a top-level post, so I think I'll move it there... Thank you for the thought-provoking.
This also ties in very closely with my approach to life and activism. I think it takes a lot of different personality styles and approaches to make the world go 'round. I think we need people who are much better at being confrontational than I am, who are much more in touch with their own anger. I'm not all that interested in making judgments on other people's choices in that regard, except in monumentally egregious cases. I am interested in finding the best way to make use of my particular psychology to the benefit of those issues I consider important. For me, that seems to be to function as much as possible as a bridge and an educator. To plant seeds rather than demand response. To explain my beliefs rather than requiring others to defend theirs to me. To try to meet people where they are, and as who they are, and find where we can connect, and try to expand understanding from there. To be honestly myself in ways that challenge people in little ways on a regular basis. To share information and perspectives people may not otherwise have been aware of. To be a safe space for others to ask questions and express themselves. I have reason to believe that this approach has generally served me well in my goals in the long run, and well as dovetailing with my nature as a social and multi-communal sort of person.
It doesn't mean I shouldn't get better at handling my own anger. I have an extraordinarily powerful physiological response to it; the people who have been in interpersonal fights with me know the sight of me flaming-faced, shaking, tearing up, storming about. I dislike and distrust the feel of that adrenaline surge controlling me, and I generally have to burn it off before I can get anywhere productive again. Anxiety or anger seem to be my emotional responses to conflict (except in cases of people fundamentally hostile to me, like the antis at the clinics -- in those cases, winning is not letting the bullying elicit a reaction beyond laughter, and I'm damned good at that), and while I don't like either, I'll take anxiety over anger most days; it clouds my judgment less, and pulls me toward thinking before acting instead of vice versa. The good thing about the anxiety is that it does give me a good deal of impetus to try to resolve the issue at hand, at least to my own satisfaction inside my own head. I can't get my heartrate back down until I do. In the two days of this particular explosion, it probably hasn't been fully off my mind for more than 15 minutes or so at a time, my stomach's been in knots, and my heart has been racing (insomnia ahoy). That is emphatically not a request for sympathy or a "poor me", I'm simply talking about physiological responses, and ones with which I'm well-familiar. It's informed by what I've learned about interacting with my own physiology in regards to the bipolar and the fibromyalgia, definitely. It's a particular way of thinking about myself and my states of mind and body as objectively as I can.
Oh, one other point worth talking about -- finding the balance between one of my strengths being my openness and willingness to talk about things, and one of my weaknesses being my tendency to go off on tangents, ramble, and take over conversations. It's a work in progress, to say the least. It's part of what I find valuable about having a journal -- a place that by definition is my space to ramble to my heart's content, that isn't encroaching on anyone else's space unless they choose. It's a good release valve so I'm less likely to do so in less appropriate circumstances (obviously doesn't always work!)
Well, I've rambled more than enough. It's my weekend, and I'm currently ignoring a particularly entertaining Tom Baker Doctor Who, and have to get ready for patient-instructing in a few hours. It's still abyssmally hot here, and we've got an extra dog next door temporarily (very sweet story) that's adding a good deal of chaos to our mutual yards and dog dynamics. Casey's coming over tonight, and I'm really looking forward to her feminist sociologist's perspective on all this, in between screaming at So You Think You Can Dance and getting fucked up. I still have some other thoughts about my long-term approaches to politics that I want to move to top-level posts, but I may wait a day or two to do that, and I may be slow at replying to comments here as well, since I don't normally spend much time online when I'm at home.
Edit to add: One final note that popped to mind; being over-reactive to being misunderstood. I know I've written about that before, so this is just a mental note to myself.
