moominmuppet

Another cross-post from Fetlife, this one gets more graphic than some folks may prefer to read. Adding a cut-tag, since I'm not using filters on LJ anymore (because I'm using it to cross-post to FB -- *sigh* the trials of multiple social media platforms) I've added some contextual notes throughout to clarify, and anonymized any FL usernames that were in the original. I've also expanded a bit to describe the actual class, for folks who weren't there.

I don't know why it matters so much to me to be to be known accurately, but it definitely does. It's a huge factor in how I choose to interact with the world. There are lots of folks for whom it matters less, sometimes not at all, and I have no particular conclusion on whether one of these preferences is "better" (probably not; like most things, variety is the spice of life). I'd rather be known and disliked than have people like me under false pretenses. (not that I'm a fan of being disliked)

But for me, for whatever reason, it matters a lot. I chafe in situations where it's not possible. Get me alone, and I talk. Put me on any substance on the planet, I _talk_. I care about introducing people to the context of my life, so they can understand me in ways I don't believe I can reliably relay. Not because my story is the most important story, but exactly because it's one of many, and the one I'm ultimately best qualified to relate. And a lot of the reason I'm here is to see other people's datapoints and perspectives. Pics are fun, but it's the writings and discussions that I really watch for.

I get in writing states that I would describe as "ecstatically confessional", an intense desire to open up and poke at my innards where everyone can get a good view and hopefully find another data point to add to their interpretation of the world. It has a very similar feel, for me, to doing that more literally. I've mentioned elsewhere I used to (and still do occasionally) teach pelvic exams on my own body (the common term is Gynecological Teaching Associate). I have found it one of the most rewarding and fulfilling uses of my time, in terms of the intersections of my skills, beliefs, and activist intent. And no matter how exhausted and down-trodden or depressed I was going into a session, I came out _wired_. The intensity of having to pull together and professionally teach a group of strangers how to navigate my body, how to tread the proper lines around such an important and intimate exam... It _mattered_ that I get it right. It mattered for their future patients. And that particular type of openness... I'm good at that. Don't know where exactly that falls in the whole archetype discussion of the other day, but it's a fact. I get stage-fright if asked to do anyone's voice but my own, and up to a year ago I'd near pass out if you suggested I sing in front of anyone, I'm not a standard performer-personality at all. But I love the spotlight in certain ways. Ways that feel helpful, that's important. I use my body intentionally to try to change perceptions about body image, for example. Because I can, because I'm particularly temperamentally suited to find that kind of sharing to be a source of joy more than stress. Because it's an intersection of my intent and my skills, and that feels like home.

And that reminds me that I've been meaning to talk about the fisting demo, but characteristically needed a chance to explain the above context before I really felt I could hope to communicate at all accurately.

[Context for folks not part of my Fetlife/local BDSM community: we just had our big annual event two weeks ago, Kinko de Mayo. I've been getting more reinvolved in the community recently, and got pulled in at the last minute to be heavily involved on the volunteer team, and I also volunteered to be the "demo bottom" or model for the fisting class. It was a really excellent weekend for me, full of reminders of who I am and want to be.]

I didn't meet her in person until the night before the Saturday class, but once L [the class instructor] and I talked things through for a couple days online, I was feeling really good going into it. (Actually, I think I'll append some of my portion of that conversation to the end of this post, because it's a good example of what it matters to me to negotiate) We'd never met, but have mutual friends, and I'm pretty confident about their recommendations, especially since we only needed a general professional baseline compatibility, not true-love-forever (as it is, I happen to think she's really hot, so I was entirely happy). Now, I've had sex in front of people enough to know I enjoy it plenty, and I've used my body in teaching enough to know I'm very comfortable in that arena, and it just so happens that fisting is my personal favorite sexual activity, and that I'm pretty easy to fist and to get off even under non-ideal circumstances, so things certainly seemed to be lining up. I was about 95% "I will fucking ROCK this!" and 5% "OH SHIT, OH SHIT, insert nightmare scenario here"

Honestly, the nerve-wracking part for me was that I'd would be trying to react sexually, and the audience would be neither lovers nor strangers, for the most part. Now, I do share a lot of my sexuality with my friends, including those I have personal boundaries with, but it's a lot to take in, coming into a new group, and at my first Kinko. And frankly, I knew this couldn't be a more perfect chance to get to show off the absolute best of what I can be, and I _wanted_ that, but it also made the idea of some form of "failure" much scarier, and I was worried that the worry would hamstring my responses, ya know? I worked a good bit on my headspace for that going in, which helped, and L and I met and got along wonderfully, which really encouraged my comfort level, as did getting to watch other demo bottoms earlier in the day. My only other worry was that because I was so used to teaching being an thoroughly nonsexual headspace, that I wouldn't be able to integrate the two. The appeal of the challenge of trying to do so overrode that for me, though ;) So all in all, I was doing really well, and the Bootblacking class, and [sexy bootblack T who conditioned my vest with me in it]'s attentions, especially, had me well warmed up and in a really good enjoyably sensual headspace by the time we were ready to go.

Getting naked and setting up in front of the people trickling in was pleasantly calming (story for another time - why nudity tends to make me feel less vulnerable, not more), I eventually got up on the table and looked around at everyone (about 30 people), and just consciously let go of any of my niggling anxieties about interpersonal dynamics with any of them; who I'm crushy about, or who I have personal boundaries with, or any of it. And I did manage to integrate "sexually responsive" and "professionally educational" in a way I never before had in my life, and that was powerful and amazing for me; an incredible high, and a high point in long history of using my body to teach. The compliments I've received about it have been intensely meaningful to me, and it's been hard to express just how deeply that's true without explaining all the context.

L is an excellent presenter; honestly I was too much in my own headspace to do justice to describing her teaching, but I very much connected with her style, and she and I had negotiated prior to class that I'd be doing a bit more "team teaching" than pure demo bottoming, given my personality and background. We'd also worked out a signal (knee squeeze) she could use if I got too wound up and started unconsciously taking over (one of my concerns going in, since I'm used to running the room in patient-instructing). We talked through some of what we'd negotiated together, so the class had context for that going in, discussed lubes, toys, expectations in fisting, etc. I'd brought my own toys, condoms, lube, and hitachi (with brand new extension cord) because I'm picky about such things and have very specific preferences.

We got started with the actual fisting pretty quickly; she pulled on gloves, I laid back, legs spread to the audience, and she started some vaginal massage while I described to folks how it felt. Although she did the majority of the talking and teaching, I added things as relevant throughout. Relatively quickly, she asked if I was ready to grab my hitachi (I'd told her this is my preferred method for fisting; that I'm highly multiorgasmic, and use the orgasms to progress on the fisting), and sorry, but I can't easily describe most of the rest of the class, because I spent the next 20-30 minutes (I think? Anyone who was there know?) getting fabulous fisted and cumming like a blue streak while she kept calmly explaining and answering questions. Eventually she checked in to see if I needed to stop, I told her it was a class, so I was fine with that, but I could also keep going a good while longer. She decided to just keep teaching while continuing the fisting. :) I answered some questions during that time, but not as many, since I was a bit distracted. Still my inner educator can be a bit overwhelming, and I did pipe up mid-orgasm to answer a question about episiotomy scars and fisting, which got some laughs. Eventually we got toward the end of the class, demonstrated appropriate hand withdrawal technique, I sat back up, had some water, and we answered a few more questions before it was over. It was a hell of a lot of fun sexually, both for my exhibitionist side and the overall "yay lots of orgasms", but the deeply rewarding part was well beyond that. The intersection of my community, my sexuality, and my educational avocation was remarkable for me.

I was going to add that negotiation stuff here, but it's late, and this is long, and I'll come back to that another time.