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moominmuppetThe "writing prompts" I've emailed to myself are just getting out of hand and eating my inbox and my brain. Here, in no particular order, are those that fit in a non-filtered post, and a few thoughts or paragraphs about what I was thinking.
________________________________________________
"Getting there first": One of the things that keeps me most on the straight and narrow about my psych stuff is that I'm a damned control freak. I feel more in control of my life and world if I'm the first person to call myself out, rather than other people getting there first. In order to continue feeling "safe" in that way, I try to watch myself with a pretty eagle eye. Also, the more I prove (to myself and to others) that I can be trusted to do this, the more of my own autonomy as a crazy person I get to hold on to, both legally and ethically (ethically I can't make decisions to treat my issues less intensely if I'm leaving the people around me cleaning up the pieces over and over again).
"Maintaining my cred": I've decided to do most of my activism work informally and on an amateur level. That means all I have backing me up on that is my own cred as I've developed it with people over the years, and as I convey it in conversation. That credibility and trust-worthiness is something I need to watch, to verify, to prove over and over again. It's precious to me like little else, because it directly impacts whether I can be successful in the forms of informal activism work I think I have the greatest strengths to provide. Also, that's mostly people asking me for advice, for information, for support, for counsel. They are, on some level, trusting me. That also is a deeply precious thing, and one I have an ethical obligation to respond to with an incredible level of care. All of that is complicated by having psych issues, both in how the world at large is likely to see my credibility, and in terms of my own worries about maintaining same.
"Humility and confidence": This one was a note about explaining how I balance these concepts; how am I clear about what I am good at without being insufferable and arrogant in general (especially while manic and prone to inflated self-esteem)? A lot has to do with a willingness to be at least equally clear about where my strengths aren't and what I don't know (also crucial to maintaining my credibility, as discussed above), at least to the extent that I've managed to find any balance on it at all (I have some hopes that I have, but no certainty on this). I don't like our societal tendency to teach people to be unable to take a compliment or recognize their strengths without being seen as "full of themselves". I don't want to buy into it, not in how I talk about other people's strengths, not in how I talk about my own. I also don't particularly want to be an ass, or unaware of my own weaknesses and flaws.
"Fmla only keeps my ass from getting written up and fired": An irritation of mine on misconceptions about FMLA, and what it does and doesn't do. Does NOT: pay me any money. Does: keep me from racking up HR points/getting written up/getting fired for calling off same-day instead of scheduling PTO time. I only get paid for those days when I have vacation (PTO) days in my bank to throw at this. This is why I get no fucking vacations, motherfuckers. This is why I'm broke as shit when I have to take more time than I have PTO to cover. Short-term disability, which many people seem to somehow find much less offensive, _would_ in fact pay me for not working. Not as much as my regular wage, but pretty well (70% after first unpaid week, iirc). So why do people act like I'm trying to scam the system with FMLA then suggest Short Term Disability instead? WTF?
Exes as family: About how I handle the issue of exes when children are involved. Whether I like 'em all the time or not, even when I'm furious, they're basically extended family, and get treated as such in terms of my overall concern for and prioritization of their well-being.
Dreams and media - fitting extra lives into my own: From a conversation this morning about the relative merits of sleep and dreaming. I generally love that my brain does this, I just wish I could recall them perfectly or record them or something. It's one of the coolest ways to add extra experiences, some totally impossible, to my one little fingersnap of a life here. Same thing, although less intensely, for books and other forms of media. Anything that lets me fit in more of these kind of alternate experiences...
more thoughts, or just more need to get them out?: Questions to myself about the phenomenal pressured speech I'm feeling at the moment. It's not just about having more thoughts and ideas, it's about the level of internal pressure I feel to get those _out_, my inability to focus elsewhere until I do.
internally focused, bad about being aware of other people: One of the my great frustrations about being this manic. It's all about MEEEEEEE! I get bad about following other's lives, following politics, following anything outside my own brain. It's pretty unbelievably self-centered in a lot of ways. I hate everything I miss by being unable to escape my own brain.
interrupting as symptom, self-consciousness: Avoiding Gender Bias: Ideas for Teachers, What causes Incessant talking, and What Is Pressured Speech?
Basically, I've always been bad about this, even when not manic, but it's almost uncontrollable when I am manic. It's part of why I try to direct so much of it here, where it's "out of the way" if people don't want to cope with it. It's something I'm hugely self-conscious about; I discovered in college how much I'd socialized myself in pretty boy-identified patterns, how I was shutting women down in just the ways described in the first article link. I'm not proud of that, I keep trying to get better about it and remain aware of that tendency. The mania makes it even worse, and dramatically so. The combination of "I'm really self-conscious about this" and "I can't really control this well right now" can be very difficult for me. It's something that understandably frustrates my housemates and other intimates, and they get snappish in their ways of calling me out on it (they're not wrong to call me out, they're not wrong to be irritated -- it's just a big hard issue for me, and one where I've recently explicitly asked for some gentleness about _how_ they do it because it's such a big flaming hot button for me -- close to tears just trying to write this). It makes me want to sink into the ground, run away and hide until I can somehow manage to be socially appropriate again.
mental illness and self-description: Noticed yesterday that I don't mention my psych stuff in my big long profiles, and this sort of surprised me (also something I'm fixing, actually). I suspect it's because I wrote them a few years ago when things were relatively stable and it was much more of a background issue to the fibro than an equally major one. Still, huh. Weird for me.
language when I'm having major issues vs when I'm not: This has to do with identity and word reclamation and such. I'm much more likely to describe my self, affirmatively and positively, as "crazy" when I feel like my psych stuff is a major issue in my life, a major thing I'm navigating and coping with, is actually making me "crazy" in the world's eyes. When it's more in the background I feel less comfortable being the person to reclaim that word at the time. Same thing applies about "gimpy" and the fibro.
Thoughts on who it matters to me to be to other people: credible, trustworthy, reliable, strong, supportive, stable, safe, compassionate, understanding, free-of-bullshit, informative, educational, thoughtful, intelligent, principled, ethical, eye-opening, contextualizing, brave, sensible, problem-solving, brainstorming, generous, altruistic, gentle, honest, aware, sensitive, intuitive, forgiving. -- Some days I do a lot better than others, and it's a continual work in progress, but that's who I want to be when I grow up.
Reply to a comment about my support network: My support network and what I gain by pushing myself to maintain transparency makes up a hundred times over the stress of being exposed in that way. And it helps modulate stress on my in-person support, not feel abandoned just because any one person can't manage to be there that day and that issue.
And being able to model those benefits for others, show them one idea of what they can build in their lives, make them feel less alone, share info, make myself available as a safe space; that's a central and monumental part of my activism, and I treasure the opportunity and often beautiful results.
Doctor who true blood Obama cognitive dissonance: This is a note to write about how much I dislike it when near-future/alternate present SF/F involves actual figures and personalities. Totally gives me cognitive dissonance and pulls me out of the world they've constructed. It happened once in Doctor Who (when the Master takes over all humans on earth), and just the other night on True Blood (which is why I was thinking about it and made a note).
Wanting to get my words out for future reference before mania burns out: I'm exhausted and want it to stop, but I'm also afraid of losing the chance to express myself this easily. Want to get it done, stockpile it for the future, for rainy days when I can't string two sentences together. Have I mentioned that my LJ is also the single most important thing I want to survive me after my own death? Nothing matters to me more to leave behind that this little electronic "I was here, and this is who I was" compilation. When I have good in-person conversations (which happen with awesome regularity, because my household and my friends rock), I tend to make notes from those, too. Want to "get it down on paper" not have it float off into the air. It's a lot of why I communicate my more intense relationship stuff in text as well. I am a deeply text-based human being, for what that's worth.
Hyper-rationality as coping technique: Mom's bipolar, Dad's OCD. I sort of love how the combo has worked out for me, since I'm bipolar with strong OCD traits, although not likely a fully diagnosible case. I don't trust my emotions. Not with bipolar tossing them this way and that. Instead, I force myself to live based on rational conclusions, no matter how much I can't really believe them at the moment. Good example: Problem with Bob, and I'm depressed. Not one single neuron in my brain is telling me that talking to Bob would actually help at all. I can't believe that. Not truly. But, I can look at past evidence. I can say to myself, "hey, I know my emotions are unreliable. And I know that in 90% of cases where I've talked to people about an issue, it has helped. And now it's time to suck it up and go try that, no matter how certain I am that it's hopeless." Hyper-rational approaches like that save my ass all the time. The way psychedelic experiences taught me the same lessons has helped in reinforcing this approach. It's also, though, why NRE freaks me the fuck out, and I do much better with "gradually sliding into love when I'm not looking" than any other approach. On the flip side, it's very hard for me to get really gritty and emotionally authentic and vulnerable without that hyperrational cloak. I'm doing more of it recently, partially because I feel so phenomenally accepted and supported in my relationship with Chad, and that's giving me the safety I need to go into territory that's so deeply terrifying to me.
"Example for kids - mom, me": This is about being aware that if both of a child's parents have serious psych issues, it's especially important to model healthy behavior in coping with that, because it's highly likely they'll get smacked in the face with some psych crap sooner or later, most likely early adolescence. Best thing Mom ever did for me was not to closet her psych issues. It gave me a good decade head start over where I suspect I'd've been with this stuff without her example. It's important to me to attempt to model the same kind of behavior, most especially for kids at higher risk of developing psych issues at some point in their lives.
__________________________________
And a few random snippets from elseweb (including FB) where I commented something and then saved a copy:
Kind of wondering if having the fibro under generally better control is contributing to the longer-lasting manias. Maybe because I don't burn out physically as hard and fast. Off all possibly triggering meds at the moment, still looking for an explanation that makes sense.
I was able to rent a humane trap from our local company, critter catchers, for a $60 refundable deposit and $5/day. Consider wearing fireplace gloves (they're not all that expensive) and coat/jeans/body coverage while working with a trap that has a wild animal in it.
*sigh* This barely made a dent in even the first page of stuff I've got noted down. Still, it's a start, and my brain feels a teeny bit calmer and quieter now.
________________________________________________
"Getting there first": One of the things that keeps me most on the straight and narrow about my psych stuff is that I'm a damned control freak. I feel more in control of my life and world if I'm the first person to call myself out, rather than other people getting there first. In order to continue feeling "safe" in that way, I try to watch myself with a pretty eagle eye. Also, the more I prove (to myself and to others) that I can be trusted to do this, the more of my own autonomy as a crazy person I get to hold on to, both legally and ethically (ethically I can't make decisions to treat my issues less intensely if I'm leaving the people around me cleaning up the pieces over and over again).
"Maintaining my cred": I've decided to do most of my activism work informally and on an amateur level. That means all I have backing me up on that is my own cred as I've developed it with people over the years, and as I convey it in conversation. That credibility and trust-worthiness is something I need to watch, to verify, to prove over and over again. It's precious to me like little else, because it directly impacts whether I can be successful in the forms of informal activism work I think I have the greatest strengths to provide. Also, that's mostly people asking me for advice, for information, for support, for counsel. They are, on some level, trusting me. That also is a deeply precious thing, and one I have an ethical obligation to respond to with an incredible level of care. All of that is complicated by having psych issues, both in how the world at large is likely to see my credibility, and in terms of my own worries about maintaining same.
"Humility and confidence": This one was a note about explaining how I balance these concepts; how am I clear about what I am good at without being insufferable and arrogant in general (especially while manic and prone to inflated self-esteem)? A lot has to do with a willingness to be at least equally clear about where my strengths aren't and what I don't know (also crucial to maintaining my credibility, as discussed above), at least to the extent that I've managed to find any balance on it at all (I have some hopes that I have, but no certainty on this). I don't like our societal tendency to teach people to be unable to take a compliment or recognize their strengths without being seen as "full of themselves". I don't want to buy into it, not in how I talk about other people's strengths, not in how I talk about my own. I also don't particularly want to be an ass, or unaware of my own weaknesses and flaws.
"Fmla only keeps my ass from getting written up and fired": An irritation of mine on misconceptions about FMLA, and what it does and doesn't do. Does NOT: pay me any money. Does: keep me from racking up HR points/getting written up/getting fired for calling off same-day instead of scheduling PTO time. I only get paid for those days when I have vacation (PTO) days in my bank to throw at this. This is why I get no fucking vacations, motherfuckers. This is why I'm broke as shit when I have to take more time than I have PTO to cover. Short-term disability, which many people seem to somehow find much less offensive, _would_ in fact pay me for not working. Not as much as my regular wage, but pretty well (70% after first unpaid week, iirc). So why do people act like I'm trying to scam the system with FMLA then suggest Short Term Disability instead? WTF?
Exes as family: About how I handle the issue of exes when children are involved. Whether I like 'em all the time or not, even when I'm furious, they're basically extended family, and get treated as such in terms of my overall concern for and prioritization of their well-being.
Dreams and media - fitting extra lives into my own: From a conversation this morning about the relative merits of sleep and dreaming. I generally love that my brain does this, I just wish I could recall them perfectly or record them or something. It's one of the coolest ways to add extra experiences, some totally impossible, to my one little fingersnap of a life here. Same thing, although less intensely, for books and other forms of media. Anything that lets me fit in more of these kind of alternate experiences...
more thoughts, or just more need to get them out?: Questions to myself about the phenomenal pressured speech I'm feeling at the moment. It's not just about having more thoughts and ideas, it's about the level of internal pressure I feel to get those _out_, my inability to focus elsewhere until I do.
internally focused, bad about being aware of other people: One of the my great frustrations about being this manic. It's all about MEEEEEEE! I get bad about following other's lives, following politics, following anything outside my own brain. It's pretty unbelievably self-centered in a lot of ways. I hate everything I miss by being unable to escape my own brain.
interrupting as symptom, self-consciousness: Avoiding Gender Bias: Ideas for Teachers, What causes Incessant talking, and What Is Pressured Speech?
Basically, I've always been bad about this, even when not manic, but it's almost uncontrollable when I am manic. It's part of why I try to direct so much of it here, where it's "out of the way" if people don't want to cope with it. It's something I'm hugely self-conscious about; I discovered in college how much I'd socialized myself in pretty boy-identified patterns, how I was shutting women down in just the ways described in the first article link. I'm not proud of that, I keep trying to get better about it and remain aware of that tendency. The mania makes it even worse, and dramatically so. The combination of "I'm really self-conscious about this" and "I can't really control this well right now" can be very difficult for me. It's something that understandably frustrates my housemates and other intimates, and they get snappish in their ways of calling me out on it (they're not wrong to call me out, they're not wrong to be irritated -- it's just a big hard issue for me, and one where I've recently explicitly asked for some gentleness about _how_ they do it because it's such a big flaming hot button for me -- close to tears just trying to write this). It makes me want to sink into the ground, run away and hide until I can somehow manage to be socially appropriate again.
mental illness and self-description: Noticed yesterday that I don't mention my psych stuff in my big long profiles, and this sort of surprised me (also something I'm fixing, actually). I suspect it's because I wrote them a few years ago when things were relatively stable and it was much more of a background issue to the fibro than an equally major one. Still, huh. Weird for me.
language when I'm having major issues vs when I'm not: This has to do with identity and word reclamation and such. I'm much more likely to describe my self, affirmatively and positively, as "crazy" when I feel like my psych stuff is a major issue in my life, a major thing I'm navigating and coping with, is actually making me "crazy" in the world's eyes. When it's more in the background I feel less comfortable being the person to reclaim that word at the time. Same thing applies about "gimpy" and the fibro.
Thoughts on who it matters to me to be to other people: credible, trustworthy, reliable, strong, supportive, stable, safe, compassionate, understanding, free-of-bullshit, informative, educational, thoughtful, intelligent, principled, ethical, eye-opening, contextualizing, brave, sensible, problem-solving, brainstorming, generous, altruistic, gentle, honest, aware, sensitive, intuitive, forgiving. -- Some days I do a lot better than others, and it's a continual work in progress, but that's who I want to be when I grow up.
Reply to a comment about my support network: My support network and what I gain by pushing myself to maintain transparency makes up a hundred times over the stress of being exposed in that way. And it helps modulate stress on my in-person support, not feel abandoned just because any one person can't manage to be there that day and that issue.
And being able to model those benefits for others, show them one idea of what they can build in their lives, make them feel less alone, share info, make myself available as a safe space; that's a central and monumental part of my activism, and I treasure the opportunity and often beautiful results.
Doctor who true blood Obama cognitive dissonance: This is a note to write about how much I dislike it when near-future/alternate present SF/F involves actual figures and personalities. Totally gives me cognitive dissonance and pulls me out of the world they've constructed. It happened once in Doctor Who (when the Master takes over all humans on earth), and just the other night on True Blood (which is why I was thinking about it and made a note).
Wanting to get my words out for future reference before mania burns out: I'm exhausted and want it to stop, but I'm also afraid of losing the chance to express myself this easily. Want to get it done, stockpile it for the future, for rainy days when I can't string two sentences together. Have I mentioned that my LJ is also the single most important thing I want to survive me after my own death? Nothing matters to me more to leave behind that this little electronic "I was here, and this is who I was" compilation. When I have good in-person conversations (which happen with awesome regularity, because my household and my friends rock), I tend to make notes from those, too. Want to "get it down on paper" not have it float off into the air. It's a lot of why I communicate my more intense relationship stuff in text as well. I am a deeply text-based human being, for what that's worth.
Hyper-rationality as coping technique: Mom's bipolar, Dad's OCD. I sort of love how the combo has worked out for me, since I'm bipolar with strong OCD traits, although not likely a fully diagnosible case. I don't trust my emotions. Not with bipolar tossing them this way and that. Instead, I force myself to live based on rational conclusions, no matter how much I can't really believe them at the moment. Good example: Problem with Bob, and I'm depressed. Not one single neuron in my brain is telling me that talking to Bob would actually help at all. I can't believe that. Not truly. But, I can look at past evidence. I can say to myself, "hey, I know my emotions are unreliable. And I know that in 90% of cases where I've talked to people about an issue, it has helped. And now it's time to suck it up and go try that, no matter how certain I am that it's hopeless." Hyper-rational approaches like that save my ass all the time. The way psychedelic experiences taught me the same lessons has helped in reinforcing this approach. It's also, though, why NRE freaks me the fuck out, and I do much better with "gradually sliding into love when I'm not looking" than any other approach. On the flip side, it's very hard for me to get really gritty and emotionally authentic and vulnerable without that hyperrational cloak. I'm doing more of it recently, partially because I feel so phenomenally accepted and supported in my relationship with Chad, and that's giving me the safety I need to go into territory that's so deeply terrifying to me.
"Example for kids - mom, me": This is about being aware that if both of a child's parents have serious psych issues, it's especially important to model healthy behavior in coping with that, because it's highly likely they'll get smacked in the face with some psych crap sooner or later, most likely early adolescence. Best thing Mom ever did for me was not to closet her psych issues. It gave me a good decade head start over where I suspect I'd've been with this stuff without her example. It's important to me to attempt to model the same kind of behavior, most especially for kids at higher risk of developing psych issues at some point in their lives.
__________________________________
And a few random snippets from elseweb (including FB) where I commented something and then saved a copy:
Kind of wondering if having the fibro under generally better control is contributing to the longer-lasting manias. Maybe because I don't burn out physically as hard and fast. Off all possibly triggering meds at the moment, still looking for an explanation that makes sense.
I was able to rent a humane trap from our local company, critter catchers, for a $60 refundable deposit and $5/day. Consider wearing fireplace gloves (they're not all that expensive) and coat/jeans/body coverage while working with a trap that has a wild animal in it.
*sigh* This barely made a dent in even the first page of stuff I've got noted down. Still, it's a start, and my brain feels a teeny bit calmer and quieter now.
