moominmuppet

Whenever I take surveys with a lot of free text answers I try to copy them out for my own reference. These are my answers to some of the free text questions on the survey for the new version of Big Big Love about sexuality and fat. I may expand on them if I have enough brain cells rubbing together (I'm kind of migrainey and brainfoggish, and wasn't in much better shape when I first answered the questions, so this isn't always as coherent or detailed as I'd like)

Clarification, for those unfamiliar with the fat acceptance/body acceptance/Health At Every Size movement -- the use of the word "fat" throughout this may be disconcerting. Here's an article about why both Hanne and I are using it: Reclaiming the Word "Fat" as a Positive Term

Also, early on in the survey it asks a multiple choice about preferred terminology. I don't know if this actually changes the wordings of the questions, but I'm retroactively curious.

(for reference, here's the link from my linketies the other day)
A new version of Big, Big Love is in the works, and Hanne Blank needs input in the form of a survey about sexuality and size Hanne is all flavors of awesome, and her original is still a classic. I highly recommend participating in the survey if it's a topic of interest to you; she's thoroughly trustworthy and nonexploitive.

includes some sexually explicit commentary -- sibs and others who don't want to see it are hereby forewarned

This isn't every answer to every question on the survey, just those I felt like porting over here.

All the questions on this page pertain to people who identify themselves as being fat. If you do not identify yourself as being a fat person, you may continue to the next page.
1. (For respondents who identify as fat:) What aspects or parts of your body have your partners reacted to most positively? How did you feel about that?
Breasts are the most obvious answer, and certainly one of the most commonly expressed appreciations. I've also gotten a lot of love for my belly and my ass, which I like better than appreciation of my breasts (the breast thing is tricky with the genderqueer thing; I like them, but not as "signals of femininity")

2. (For respondents who identify as fat) Have you ever had a partner react positively to an aspect or part of your body about which you yourself felt negatively? How did you feel about that?
I've been rather surprised and pleased about reactions to my butt; I always thought it was rather flat and boring, but comments in recent years have given me a much more positive perspective.

3. (For respondents who identify as fat) Have you ever had a partner react negatively to an aspect or part of your body? How did you feel about that?
I remember imagining what I thought my partners would think of my body, back when I was self-conscious about it, but I honestly don't recall a time when one of them said anything negative about my body at all.

Edit to add: I've actually since recalled that there were a few vague half-remembered incidents from my early twenties that hurt a great deal at the time. The comments only obliquely referenced my size in a comparative way, but it connected hard with a lot of other self-esteem crap that I had going on back then, and was messy. It was way more about what was going on in my head at the time than about what the person actually said, though.

4. (For respondents who identify as fat) Have you ever encountered a person who was sexually/romantically interested in you specifically because of your fatness? How did you feel about this?
I have, and I'm generally not a fan. I draw a firm line between being appreciated and being fetishized, and I dislike being fetishized, either as a fat person, a bi woman, etc. I want my partners to view my body as a positive element of our involvement, but not as the focus and center of it.

5. (For respondents who identify as fat)Have you ever had a partner who was interested in erotic or sexual activities that specifically had to do with your size, weight, or fatness? If so, how did you feel about this?
I don't believe that I have, at least not in ways that are distinct from general "exploring unique ways our bodies fit together" that are more about my overall approach to sexuality than my fatness.

6. (For respondents who identify as fat) How do you feel about fat or fatness as a sexual fetish?
I tend to get a bit squicked by fetishes that are about personal traits; for some reason it bothers me much less to play around with fetish as it relates to materials, toys, environments, etc, than as it relates to body size, orientation, race, transsexuality, ability, etc. I think it's theoretically possible to play with those elements in a respectful way, but I've rarely seen it handled in a manner that I don't find dehumanizing. Hell, when my hair was redder I wasn't even a fan of the "oooooh, a redhead!" reaction/fetish.

7. (For respondents who identify as fat) Have you ever been the object of a fat fetishist’s attentions? If so, what was this experience like for you?
I haven't.

8. (For respondents who identify as fat) Do you have experience with specifically fat-related sexual activities like fat frottage (rubbing), crushing/smothering, feeder/feedee, encourager/gainer?
I don't.

Edit to add: Fat frottage sounds like good clean fun, crushing/smothering makes some intuitive sense to me, in that I really enjoy the feeling of body weight on top of me and get it that other people might be more extensively interested in playing around with that, or combining it with psychological play. Feeder/feedee and encourager/gainer really squick me a great deal. Or rather, playing with food makes plenty of sense to me, but tying that sort of play to my weight feels like it connects to all sorts of nasty stereotypes about fat people (because of course only fat people _really_ enjoy food, right?). And gaining or losing weight for some one else's jollies trips every "creepy invasion of my autonomy" button that I have.

9. (For respondents who identify as fat) How do you feel about the existence of erotic imagery or pornography featuring fat models?
Love it! Want more of it! Again, I have that fetish/appreciation boundary in place; I dislike mainstream "fat porn" because of the fetishization, but I'm generally a huge fan of more images of fat people in the world, including as aesthetic nudes and as sexual beings.

This page continues the section for people who identify themselves as fat. If you do not identify yourself as fat, please scroll down and continue to the next page.
1. (For respondents who identify as fat) Sometimes people believe that if their bodies were different, their romantic or sex lives would also be different. Do you believe this is true? Or have you believed it to be true in the past?
Everything about my life would be different if I experienced it in the different body; I can't realistically tease that apart from my romantic and sex life, which is based out of everything I've learned living in this particular body, with the particular ways that society reacts to it. I might never have worked so hard to reject fatphobic societal messages, to claim my sexuality, etc, and I'd be a different feminist, which would make a very different me. In terms of how I read the intent of the question, I think back in my teens I sometimes believed being more stereotypically attractive would make my life better romantically, but I don't recall it ever being an overwhelming factor in my thoughts.

3. (For respondents who identify as fat) In your opinion, what are the best things about sexuality as a fat person?
I think the struggle to embrace my sexuality as a fat woman has born many, many fruit. It's led me deeper into explorations of feminism, of anti-oppression work, of the breadth and width of sexuality as a playground. It's given me reason to be more direct, more honest, more uncompromising about how I allow people to treat me. Learning to love my body had helped me love other people's bodies better, and broadened my appreciation of the world.

4. (For respondents who identify as fat) Are there any things you would change, if you could, about sexuality as a fat person?
Well, I'd dearly love to never hear another fatphobic comment in my life, especially in regards to fat people being sexual. I'd like all my fat friends and partners to be happy and comfortable in their bodies and their sexualities, and for them never to have to listen to that crap either. I'd also like an end to attempts to "rebalance" things by bashing skinny people, especially the obnoxious "real woman" concept.

5. (For respondents who identify as fat) Are there particular sexual positions or activities that you find particularly pleasing or effective as a fat person?
I like my body's strength and size and durability, and that's deeply connected to my sense of my sexuality. A lot of my sex takes advantage of that; enjoying greater leverage and momentum/inertia, as well as being wonderfully comfy "sex furniture" for my partners. In terms of specific positions, I like making liberal use of pillows and furniture to create comfy positions. When I'm having PIV sex with a larger partner, I often find that him standing at the edge of the bed and me laying down with my heels on his shoulders works well for mutual belly accomodation.

6. (For respondents who identify as fat) Are there any sexual positions or activities that are or have been problematic for you as a fat person?
When I'm with a very large male partner, PIV and PIA are sometimes tricky to accomplish, and most positions that involve laying relatively parallel simply fail. Doggy-style positions are often problematic as well, at least without a bit of adaptation. For oral sex on large partners, I like best if they're able to totally recline so my head has more freedom of motion under their belly.

7. (For respondents who identify as fat) How have family members treated you in terms of sexuality issues and your size?
I've been incredibly fortunate to have a very body-positive family. They're not entirely on the fat-positive bandwagon (they struggle on the "health issue"), but they've always been on the "we're all ok and deserve good things in life" side. I don't recall any family member saying anything negative about my size and my sexuality ever. Even general "lose weight for your health" advice has been infrequent and carefully couched.

8. (For respondents who identify as fat) How have friends treated you in terms of sexuality issues and your size?
As a role model, actually. It's really nice. I've been a casual nudist since college, and have been very forthright about sexuality since then, too. As an active voice for fat acceptance/body acceptance and for joyful sexual exploration, I've heard many times over the years that seeing me model that confidence has helped other people feel better about their own bodies and sexualities. Those comments are immensely meaningful to me as an activist, and also help emotionally shield me from the repercussions from larger society for being myself in these ways.

9. (For respondents who identify as fat) Have you ever experienced harassment, shaming, or abuse specifically in regard to specifically sexual issues as a fat person? If so, how did you feel about it?
Directed at me, personally? Probably not since high school. I have experienced some of that directed toward me as a women's health and GLBT activist, however (from screaming protesters), in the general form of "you wouldn't be [fighting for abortion rights/a queer girl/etc] if you were attractive enough to get a man!" -- There is always an implication that the attractiveness issue in question is my weight, although sometimes it's more explicitly framed that way than others. Aside from finding it a depressing sign of fatphobia in general culture, it mostly makes me giggle. The things that get yelled at us presume such a different underlying reality that I just can't take them all that personally. "Fat Dyke" is a common insult, and I mostly just laugh in their face, because they're assuming I think either of those things are negative. I don't think I've heard it get more sexually explicit than that, though.

10. (For respondents who identify as fat) How can a sexual/romantic partner be a good ally or supporter to you when it comes to size/weight discrimination?
One major way is self-education. Do some reading about Health at Every Size, and about fatphobia. Being able to have an intelligent conversation on the topic without having to do "Fat 101" every time is important to me. Be willing to work on breaking fatphobic habits, especially in casual daily speech. It takes time, and it feels weird at first, but it does matter to me.

This page includes questions for people who desire fat partners or who have a history with fat partners. If this does not apply to you, please continue to the next page.
1. (For respondents with a history of/desire for fat partners) In your opinion, what are the best things about being sexual with a fat partner?
Fat is soft and squishy and cuddly and feels wonderful to touch. Heavy partners are able to fuck me incredibly hard (which I love), partly just because of the physics involved. I can't toss a fat partner around with the ease I can with a thin partner. Although that's a neat experience too, it's lovely to be able to anchor against someone solid during sex. I love feeling that kind of anchoring weight on top of me, too. Oh, and fat men tend to have well-padded pubic regions that hit my clit really well during some PIV positions; I generally have an easier time orgasming from PIV with fat partners as a result.

2. (For respondents with a history of/desire for fat partners) Are there any things you would change, if you could, about being sexual with a fat partner?
I can get a touch claustrophobic, so oral sex can be tricky at times; I have to find positions that allow me to feel like I've got really clear breathing room, and that's somewhat trickier with fat partners than thin.

3. (For respondents with a history of/desire for fat partners) Are there any sexual positions or activities that you find particularly pleasing or effective when you are with a fat partner?
Partly copied from above: fat men tend to have well-padded pubic regions that hit my clit really well during some PIV positions; I generally have an easier time orgasming from PIV with fat partners as a result.
Also, I love love love big, thick thighs. My earliest form of masturbation was straddling a tree branch and rocking against it; I love riding a partner's thigh in a similar way, and larger thighs feel better for that.

This page includes questions about your favorite things in regard to fat and sexuality.
1. What are your favorite comebacks when someone is being insulting about fat, weight, or size?
To refuse to take it as an insult. A cheerful "Yup!" in response to being called fat is relatively disconcerting to most assholes. In general, I find laughter is more useful than anger when it comes to defending myself, although I sometimes get enraged in my defense of others.

2. Do you use sex toys or other specialized sex equipment? If so, are there any particularly fat-friendly products you’d like to recommend?
I use a large number of sex toys, but relatively few are specifically fat-friendly. I was pleased to discover that the inexpensive little "Big Nothing" nylon harness (which is good for stabilizing a Share or Nexxus) fits me with inches to spare. (I'm about a size 20, women's pants american sizes). It's hard to find inexpensive plus-size harnesses, so this was a happy discovery.

3. Are there any sex toy/equipment retailers you patronize that you’d like to recommend as being particularly fat-friendly?
Good Vibrations and Blowfish both have a good history of being clear and specific about product sizes and measurements, and tend to draw attention to their plus-sized harnesses and such.

4. Do you wear or purchase plus-sized sexy clothes, lingerie, or fetish wear? If so, are there any particularly fat-friendly items you’d like to recommend?
I don't, generally.

5. Are there any manufacturers or vendors of sex-related items (toys, lingerie, porn, erotica, etc.) you’d like to recommend as being particularly fat-friendly?
Again, Blowfish and Good Vibrations have always been solid for me, with a number of videos and books that include fat people without fetishizing them.

6. Are there any books, websites, films, or other resources that you have found particularly fat positive or helpful?
So many, and of course my mind is blanking now. You already know about the stuff you've written and edited, and that's high on my list. Also, Fat!So?, The Full Body Project, Big Moves (Dance Company).

This page asks questions about sexuality and community based around sexuality.
1. Have you had experience with any kind of sexuality-related (GLBT, BDSM,TV/TS, swinging, etc.) activism, community, or events? How did you feel about your experiences?
Yes, I spend time in the BDSM, GLBT, poly, and sex education communities, and I generally find them to be less fatphobic than most of society, with some isolated exceptions. In general, I've found the poly and bdsm communities especially welcoming in terms of body acceptance.

2. Would you characterize your experience with sexuality-related activism, community, or events as being (or having been) fat-positive?
In general, I'd say yes. I see much more in the way of active attempts to combat fatphobic and sizist attitudes in those environments that I generally see elsewhere.

OK, I think that's the relevant stuff from the survey. If you have questions or want clarification or whathaveyou, feel free to ask either anonymously or not (you can also message them to me rather than commenting here, if you prefer). I'm in the mood for some writing prompts, and questions are always good for that. I'm making this a public post instead of locking it to the sex filters because I want more public and straight-forward conversation about fat and sexuality, and this makes it accessible most broadly, including to my facebook friends. Facebook folks, here's a link that'll take you to the actual post so you can follow any comment threads. I keep meaning to put these on all my posts, but forgetting.