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moominmuppetThis was triggered by a comment I made on my sexuality filter, but I think it's really relevant to how I interact with my social network overall, and deserves to be an open post as well. Additionally, I'm going to add to the bottom a good chunk (the less explicit bits) of how I navigate boundaries around sexuality-related communication.
The comment I made, in part:
...more fun to share with friends than strangers!
Also feels really weird to share things with strangers that I'm intentionally cutting my friends out of. It's a lot of why I don't compartmentalize; I need my friends, my bio-family, my chosen family to know me. This isn't some little side diversion, it's a huge part of who I am, how I relate to the world, where I find joy and exploration. It's a personal interest, but sexuality is also the topic I've pretty much devoted my life to; every career I've considered for more than practical reasons has something to do with it (more or less directly), whether it's sex toy designer, sexologist, sexual surrogate, sex educator, sex worker, midwife working in women's reproductive and sexual health, you get the idea. Anyone who looks at my massive book collection will see that gender, queer stuff, reproductive health, and sexuality makes up at least 20% of my 4000-book collection (only sci-fi/fantasy/horror is a larger collection, I'd guess). How could I closet so much of me? How could I stand confidently in front of strangers and talk about these topics while simultaneously wondering if word of that might reach through the grapevine back to other arenas of my life?
I'm not saying this approach is for everyone, or that it's easy and risk-free. It's impacted my career choices, my major relationship choices, how I handled my Dad's parishes as an adult, how close geographically I live to my folks, my decisions about having children, everything. It means I am almost literally an impossible choice as a public relationship for the vast majority people who are not interested in adding those stressors and modifications to their lives. Hell, I don't even closet that I used to do phone sex to my perfectly "respectable" helpdesk peers and boss (and I suspect not a one of them would be surprised if they found some of my pornier stuff online, nor would I be interested in denying it; not bringing it up in the office is a boundary thing, not a shame thing -- although it would suck beyond massively to lose my job over such things, it's a risk I'd rather take than totally closet myself), let alone that I'm bi and poly and don't really think of myself as a girl. At this point in my life, if I'm closeted, it's basically accidental -- it just hasn't come up yet. The only exception is a legal requirement due to job policies and backward Ohio law and medical necessity, and I resent the shit out of that. Even there, "discuss frequently, document little, hope for the best, prepare for the worst" is basically my walk-the-line balance.
Caveat on all this: I have extraordinary freedom in my life to pursue this philosophy partly because of who my family already was, partially because of how I've consciously constructed my life since then, who I think it's worthwhile to develop relationships with, and what my social obligations and pressures are (or aren't).
Even with Kidlet in my life now on alternate weekends, I face radically less direct scrutiny than any mother does, he's unlikely to get mocked at school for my behavior, etc. This is a major factor in why I've decided not to have kids of my own, though. For my life, there would be some staggeringly hard decisions along those lines, and I've chosen not to pursue a path that would require them.
I've also chosen not to pursue a high-investment "respectable" career for the same reasons. If someone actually cares enough about a back office peon's life to cause me to lose my job over who I am, it's not the end of the world. It'd suck in massive, massive ways, but I wouldn't be losing a career I was passionate about, deeply invested in, had spent years in grad school for. Also, my lack of interest in moving up the work hierarchy is substantially protective. The further up I go, the more "respectable" I'd have to be, and I'm just not willing to trade off ten or twenty thousand extra a year for the level of freedom I currently have. No way, no how. Also don't need the extra life stress that comes with those jobs, thank you very much.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
Talking Sex vs Sex by Talk (on TMI and Boundaries)
So, I talk about sex and sexuality-related issues very differently than most folks, and much more openly. And now seems like a good time to explain how boundaries around that work in my life. Or hopefully it is; I did just wake up and may not be entirely coherent yet.
I talk about sex, including my own sex life, in graphic detail. And I also sometimes flirt and have online sex of various sorts (great way to burn off extra sexual energy without worry about navigating extra safer sex stuff in my life, given that my relationships explicitly permit such play). What's the difference?
A big one, at least in my mind. It has to do with radically different dynamics between me and the person/people with whom I'm interacting, and likely some very different expectations about how face-to-face dynamics may go between us. And it has a lot to do with sexual intimacy, too. Even totally setting aside my activist intents in sharing information and perspective, even just taking into account how sexual energy plays into things, still a very big difference. Talking Sex, for me, on a sexual energy level (damn do I sound like the hippy I am when I talk about this stuff), is about having fun bouncing that sexual energy around with other people, amping it (often mutually) without creating a direct sexual interaction. Does that turn me on, sometimes, often? Sure as shit it does. But more in the way that performative exhibitionist stuff does than the way building a direct personal sexual connection does. More like seeing a sexy movie turns me on general, makes me want to jump one of my partners, not necessarily jump the people I'm talking to or the actors in the movie. It is, in many ways, pornographically rather than directly sexual. It's about sharing sexual energy for eventual totally separate play, not about creating yearning for interpersonal sexual relationships.
Sexuality is one of the few arenas where it's not considered socially appropriate to share joy about good stuff in our lives, share tips, tricks, hobby details. This is deeply weird to me, I refuse to buy it, and I have chosen to actively resist that social pressure. So I talk about sex like many people do about knitting, about tricks for turning a sock heel, or places to find cool patterns. That's just part of how I am, how I've decided to interact with the world at large. I made that decision sometime in my teens (largely thanks to the environment in which I was raised -- another separate post needed on that), and never really looked back. However, it requires a good deal more thought and attention on my part to determine how to navigate ethical boundaries, how not to step on other people's relationship agreements or create pressures or nonconsensual sexual interactions. It in no way, in my mind, creates any expectation about how another person will react, or their engagement in things, especially their specific attraction/interest/availability in regards to a direct sexual connection between them and me. Sure, in some circumstances it begins one-on-one conversations that can grow in that direction, but that's much rarer in my life, and a very different step and dynamic development than what's going on here.
It's trickier because it's important to me not to shut my in-person friends out of such a huge element of my life. I could've decided only to add folks I don't know in person, not tell people in my day-to-day life I make porn when I feel like it, and oh, btw, it's up on xtube and you're welcome to check it out if you like. Or that hey, I'm back to writing smutty stuff on LJ/FB, and you can read it if you like. That definitely adds a layer of complexity -- do I expect something to "develop" (or redevelop, in the case of old lovers) when I tell someone that? How can I be clear to people that I don't? Sarah Hyperclarification Mode to the rescue! I write posts like this!
For me, there's worlds and worlds of difference between "I like doing X, and it's all cool if you find reading about that a turn-on" and "Let's talk about us hypothetically doing X together". The former is my general interaction style with the world, regardless of boundaries or my personal attraction/interest in someone. The latter is a form of sexual relationship, and one that can be powerful and important in my life in various ways if it progresses and develops.
[Examples removed]
Seeing the pattern here? Receiving the sexual energy I decide to throw out into the world and letting me know it did good things for you? Totally fabu. Placing expectations on me because I sometimes do so? Not the least bit fabu. Assuming we already have an ongoing direct sexual relationship because [of my interaction style]? Wandering into stalkerish headspace, frankly.
And basically, that's how it works in my writing and in-person conversational life, too. (note to self -- I remember writing more about this in the past; find old post about it) I share my sexual energy and thoughts broadly, but my decisions about the development of direct relationships, even online-only, are much more slow-moving, and a very much smaller subset of people. I can share with people I'm not at all compatible with, or would have serious boundary issues about becoming involved with. I can only develop relationship dynamics with people I _am_ compatible with, or at least compatible in the ways needed for that particular relationship dynamic. And these are very clearly distinct things inside my head, and I interact with the two situations very differently. It makes me somewhat-to-very uncomfortable when other folks don't see and respect this distinction.
[Snip]
And I feel like I have a million more things to say about this, but I'm sleepy again and want to curl up with the snoring Chad next to me, so maybe I'll expand later, especially if anyone has any questions about how I navigate this stuff.
The comment I made, in part:
...more fun to share with friends than strangers!
Also feels really weird to share things with strangers that I'm intentionally cutting my friends out of. It's a lot of why I don't compartmentalize; I need my friends, my bio-family, my chosen family to know me. This isn't some little side diversion, it's a huge part of who I am, how I relate to the world, where I find joy and exploration. It's a personal interest, but sexuality is also the topic I've pretty much devoted my life to; every career I've considered for more than practical reasons has something to do with it (more or less directly), whether it's sex toy designer, sexologist, sexual surrogate, sex educator, sex worker, midwife working in women's reproductive and sexual health, you get the idea. Anyone who looks at my massive book collection will see that gender, queer stuff, reproductive health, and sexuality makes up at least 20% of my 4000-book collection (only sci-fi/fantasy/horror is a larger collection, I'd guess). How could I closet so much of me? How could I stand confidently in front of strangers and talk about these topics while simultaneously wondering if word of that might reach through the grapevine back to other arenas of my life?
I'm not saying this approach is for everyone, or that it's easy and risk-free. It's impacted my career choices, my major relationship choices, how I handled my Dad's parishes as an adult, how close geographically I live to my folks, my decisions about having children, everything. It means I am almost literally an impossible choice as a public relationship for the vast majority people who are not interested in adding those stressors and modifications to their lives. Hell, I don't even closet that I used to do phone sex to my perfectly "respectable" helpdesk peers and boss (and I suspect not a one of them would be surprised if they found some of my pornier stuff online, nor would I be interested in denying it; not bringing it up in the office is a boundary thing, not a shame thing -- although it would suck beyond massively to lose my job over such things, it's a risk I'd rather take than totally closet myself), let alone that I'm bi and poly and don't really think of myself as a girl. At this point in my life, if I'm closeted, it's basically accidental -- it just hasn't come up yet. The only exception is a legal requirement due to job policies and backward Ohio law and medical necessity, and I resent the shit out of that. Even there, "discuss frequently, document little, hope for the best, prepare for the worst" is basically my walk-the-line balance.
Caveat on all this: I have extraordinary freedom in my life to pursue this philosophy partly because of who my family already was, partially because of how I've consciously constructed my life since then, who I think it's worthwhile to develop relationships with, and what my social obligations and pressures are (or aren't).
Even with Kidlet in my life now on alternate weekends, I face radically less direct scrutiny than any mother does, he's unlikely to get mocked at school for my behavior, etc. This is a major factor in why I've decided not to have kids of my own, though. For my life, there would be some staggeringly hard decisions along those lines, and I've chosen not to pursue a path that would require them.
I've also chosen not to pursue a high-investment "respectable" career for the same reasons. If someone actually cares enough about a back office peon's life to cause me to lose my job over who I am, it's not the end of the world. It'd suck in massive, massive ways, but I wouldn't be losing a career I was passionate about, deeply invested in, had spent years in grad school for. Also, my lack of interest in moving up the work hierarchy is substantially protective. The further up I go, the more "respectable" I'd have to be, and I'm just not willing to trade off ten or twenty thousand extra a year for the level of freedom I currently have. No way, no how. Also don't need the extra life stress that comes with those jobs, thank you very much.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
Talking Sex vs Sex by Talk (on TMI and Boundaries)
So, I talk about sex and sexuality-related issues very differently than most folks, and much more openly. And now seems like a good time to explain how boundaries around that work in my life. Or hopefully it is; I did just wake up and may not be entirely coherent yet.
I talk about sex, including my own sex life, in graphic detail. And I also sometimes flirt and have online sex of various sorts (great way to burn off extra sexual energy without worry about navigating extra safer sex stuff in my life, given that my relationships explicitly permit such play). What's the difference?
A big one, at least in my mind. It has to do with radically different dynamics between me and the person/people with whom I'm interacting, and likely some very different expectations about how face-to-face dynamics may go between us. And it has a lot to do with sexual intimacy, too. Even totally setting aside my activist intents in sharing information and perspective, even just taking into account how sexual energy plays into things, still a very big difference. Talking Sex, for me, on a sexual energy level (damn do I sound like the hippy I am when I talk about this stuff), is about having fun bouncing that sexual energy around with other people, amping it (often mutually) without creating a direct sexual interaction. Does that turn me on, sometimes, often? Sure as shit it does. But more in the way that performative exhibitionist stuff does than the way building a direct personal sexual connection does. More like seeing a sexy movie turns me on general, makes me want to jump one of my partners, not necessarily jump the people I'm talking to or the actors in the movie. It is, in many ways, pornographically rather than directly sexual. It's about sharing sexual energy for eventual totally separate play, not about creating yearning for interpersonal sexual relationships.
Sexuality is one of the few arenas where it's not considered socially appropriate to share joy about good stuff in our lives, share tips, tricks, hobby details. This is deeply weird to me, I refuse to buy it, and I have chosen to actively resist that social pressure. So I talk about sex like many people do about knitting, about tricks for turning a sock heel, or places to find cool patterns. That's just part of how I am, how I've decided to interact with the world at large. I made that decision sometime in my teens (largely thanks to the environment in which I was raised -- another separate post needed on that), and never really looked back. However, it requires a good deal more thought and attention on my part to determine how to navigate ethical boundaries, how not to step on other people's relationship agreements or create pressures or nonconsensual sexual interactions. It in no way, in my mind, creates any expectation about how another person will react, or their engagement in things, especially their specific attraction/interest/availability in regards to a direct sexual connection between them and me. Sure, in some circumstances it begins one-on-one conversations that can grow in that direction, but that's much rarer in my life, and a very different step and dynamic development than what's going on here.
It's trickier because it's important to me not to shut my in-person friends out of such a huge element of my life. I could've decided only to add folks I don't know in person, not tell people in my day-to-day life I make porn when I feel like it, and oh, btw, it's up on xtube and you're welcome to check it out if you like. Or that hey, I'm back to writing smutty stuff on LJ/FB, and you can read it if you like. That definitely adds a layer of complexity -- do I expect something to "develop" (or redevelop, in the case of old lovers) when I tell someone that? How can I be clear to people that I don't? Sarah Hyperclarification Mode to the rescue! I write posts like this!
For me, there's worlds and worlds of difference between "I like doing X, and it's all cool if you find reading about that a turn-on" and "Let's talk about us hypothetically doing X together". The former is my general interaction style with the world, regardless of boundaries or my personal attraction/interest in someone. The latter is a form of sexual relationship, and one that can be powerful and important in my life in various ways if it progresses and develops.
[Examples removed]
Seeing the pattern here? Receiving the sexual energy I decide to throw out into the world and letting me know it did good things for you? Totally fabu. Placing expectations on me because I sometimes do so? Not the least bit fabu. Assuming we already have an ongoing direct sexual relationship because [of my interaction style]? Wandering into stalkerish headspace, frankly.
And basically, that's how it works in my writing and in-person conversational life, too. (note to self -- I remember writing more about this in the past; find old post about it) I share my sexual energy and thoughts broadly, but my decisions about the development of direct relationships, even online-only, are much more slow-moving, and a very much smaller subset of people. I can share with people I'm not at all compatible with, or would have serious boundary issues about becoming involved with. I can only develop relationship dynamics with people I _am_ compatible with, or at least compatible in the ways needed for that particular relationship dynamic. And these are very clearly distinct things inside my head, and I interact with the two situations very differently. It makes me somewhat-to-very uncomfortable when other folks don't see and respect this distinction.
[Snip]
And I feel like I have a million more things to say about this, but I'm sleepy again and want to curl up with the snoring Chad next to me, so maybe I'll expand later, especially if anyone has any questions about how I navigate this stuff.
