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moominmuppetResponse to a question to me about how to address a teen's questions about poly stuff:
I think the most important thing to convey, whether talking about monogamous or poly relationships, is that there is no "default" she has to live by. That it's up to her and her partner/s to construct the relationships that are healthy and happy for them.
And that they can take pieces and ideas that work, and discard those that don't, and that every relationship is different.
And that any kind of relationship can be unhealthy, if done badly. Respect and compassion will get you far.
_______________________
Related to that, I find it every bit as true in regards to all forms of relationships:
Also from the conversation with the awesome sex-geeky couple I've been talking to, in regards to my public vids (and I get what they mean; there are times I've postponed looking into certain elements of folks lives until it felt "right" to me)
*grin* yeah, I get that. I do share them with my platonic local friends as well, so it may be less weird for me. I'd recommend starting with the moya filter; that's more general sexuality rambling. Graphic often links to or discusses vids and really directly porny writing that might be a touch awkward if you want to explore what boundaries feel right to you at the moment. I tend to believe in consciously building dynamics in relationships, platonic or sexual. I really hate trying to dump things into pre-existing molds. We get to construct this friendship in whatever way we all enjoy and find healthy.
_______________________
Related conversation with Chad about one of the most beautiful and meaningful elements of how he accepts and welcomes all of me:
Incidentally, this is why it's so incredibly important and meaningful that you react to me being poly the way you do, welcoming the joy it brings me and willingly taking on the extra emotional work it sometimes requires to support that.
me: I've had that treated as an irritating quirk to be grumpily tolerated, too. Especially by Mike. Haven't made that partnering mistake often in more recent years.
And something related that I just edited into the last post, but really fits here better:
This really relates to a lot of what I was talking about in terms of primary partners and ability to cope with my radical openness on taboo topics, and it being so important to me. Whether it's psych or sex or chronic invisible illness, or what-have-you that's on my mind at the moment, I basically see this as my calling. It's not just about the misery of having to hide, and hassle of remembering who knows what, the fun of talking sexy-sex. It's about my calling, what I can contribute to the world, my passion for committing to living this way.
Edit to add:
And it's about my joy, too. That's a big element of some non-LJ-appropriate stresses at the moment. I can't be in relationships where my joy is tolerated rather than celebrated. "No tell" relationships may work perfectly well for many people. For me, no. To not be able to freely share that joy with my partner, ramble happily in sexual nostalgia, share my excitement about new developments? Horrible. Horrible to lock down like that, and it kills my sexual relationship with that person, pretty much invariably. It creates a certain type of de facto monogamy that isn't natural, but stress-based. If a flirtation is likely to be a source of stress, of conflict, how can I joyfully enter into it? And what's the point of entering into it if I can't do it with joy, without a guilty conscience nibbling at me about the tensions and stress this is likely to cause? Some of my closest partners have all kinds of erotic frisson about secrecy, and playing at the edge of boundaries. I get it, but for me, it's a sexuality-killer; I can't eroticize it at all. I'm also totally unable to eroticize humiliation-play (see last few days of posts for crystal clear reasons why), or certain types of power dynamics, including being truly submissive (I play around that territory in various ways, and can enjoy other people in those roles on occasion, but I'm basically a switch: stone top/encouraging domme or power bottom willing to accept help being submissive to my own clit, but not to other people. I also cannot eroticize feminization (of me) in the vast majority of ways (there are a few earth mother/warrior woman tricks around that, though, that do connect authentically with my internal gender sense)
OK, the clonopin has kicked in, and HARD. Can't read paragraphs. No idea if the last few rambling paragraphs are even close to coherent. Back... later.
I think the most important thing to convey, whether talking about monogamous or poly relationships, is that there is no "default" she has to live by. That it's up to her and her partner/s to construct the relationships that are healthy and happy for them.
And that they can take pieces and ideas that work, and discard those that don't, and that every relationship is different.
And that any kind of relationship can be unhealthy, if done badly. Respect and compassion will get you far.
_______________________
Related to that, I find it every bit as true in regards to all forms of relationships:
Also from the conversation with the awesome sex-geeky couple I've been talking to, in regards to my public vids (and I get what they mean; there are times I've postponed looking into certain elements of folks lives until it felt "right" to me)
*grin* yeah, I get that. I do share them with my platonic local friends as well, so it may be less weird for me. I'd recommend starting with the moya filter; that's more general sexuality rambling. Graphic often links to or discusses vids and really directly porny writing that might be a touch awkward if you want to explore what boundaries feel right to you at the moment. I tend to believe in consciously building dynamics in relationships, platonic or sexual. I really hate trying to dump things into pre-existing molds. We get to construct this friendship in whatever way we all enjoy and find healthy.
_______________________
Related conversation with Chad about one of the most beautiful and meaningful elements of how he accepts and welcomes all of me:
Incidentally, this is why it's so incredibly important and meaningful that you react to me being poly the way you do, welcoming the joy it brings me and willingly taking on the extra emotional work it sometimes requires to support that.
me: I've had that treated as an irritating quirk to be grumpily tolerated, too. Especially by Mike. Haven't made that partnering mistake often in more recent years.
And something related that I just edited into the last post, but really fits here better:
This really relates to a lot of what I was talking about in terms of primary partners and ability to cope with my radical openness on taboo topics, and it being so important to me. Whether it's psych or sex or chronic invisible illness, or what-have-you that's on my mind at the moment, I basically see this as my calling. It's not just about the misery of having to hide, and hassle of remembering who knows what, the fun of talking sexy-sex. It's about my calling, what I can contribute to the world, my passion for committing to living this way.
Edit to add:
And it's about my joy, too. That's a big element of some non-LJ-appropriate stresses at the moment. I can't be in relationships where my joy is tolerated rather than celebrated. "No tell" relationships may work perfectly well for many people. For me, no. To not be able to freely share that joy with my partner, ramble happily in sexual nostalgia, share my excitement about new developments? Horrible. Horrible to lock down like that, and it kills my sexual relationship with that person, pretty much invariably. It creates a certain type of de facto monogamy that isn't natural, but stress-based. If a flirtation is likely to be a source of stress, of conflict, how can I joyfully enter into it? And what's the point of entering into it if I can't do it with joy, without a guilty conscience nibbling at me about the tensions and stress this is likely to cause? Some of my closest partners have all kinds of erotic frisson about secrecy, and playing at the edge of boundaries. I get it, but for me, it's a sexuality-killer; I can't eroticize it at all. I'm also totally unable to eroticize humiliation-play (see last few days of posts for crystal clear reasons why), or certain types of power dynamics, including being truly submissive (I play around that territory in various ways, and can enjoy other people in those roles on occasion, but I'm basically a switch: stone top/encouraging domme or power bottom willing to accept help being submissive to my own clit, but not to other people. I also cannot eroticize feminization (of me) in the vast majority of ways (there are a few earth mother/warrior woman tricks around that, though, that do connect authentically with my internal gender sense)
OK, the clonopin has kicked in, and HARD. Can't read paragraphs. No idea if the last few rambling paragraphs are even close to coherent. Back... later.
